Typically, Good Relationships the accuracy of the widespread advice (whether it is about finance, relationships, or gardenia care) is somewhere between the banality of the millennium and shooting at a target 100 meters away.
With a slingshot.
With closed eyes.
The exception is advice that everyone has heard, DilMil.co and yet tens / hundreds / thousands of people think that their life may resemble a field where someone has dropped napalm, and still:
a) They will meet a fantastic person
b) Who will love them
c) And with whom they will live happily ever after.
This widely unused piece of advice is, “Before you enter into a relationship, put your life in order.”
Problems always spill out of the closet
Mail from the reader. How many problems. He met a girl. Young, attractive, they get along well. They know two months, so this is just the beginning. Where’s the catch? Bright warning signs are already looming on the horizon. He found out that she has unpaid credit card debt, her best friend got pregnant at the age of 16, and although she is capable, she has no idea what she wants to do, so she is mostly browsing Facebook and watching Jessica. Mercedes.
Should he be with her in this situation? Because anyway, it is fantastic.
I wrote back briefly: “I wouldn’t sign up for it.”
People treat relationships as something that happens after they have exchanged first glances. It is as if they were leaving behind unresolved issues, complexes and problems, and the new relationship would invalidate, erase and cancel them out.
They are partially right. Our dominant sense is sight. The beginnings of the relationship allow you to hide a lot under the smile No. 25, a fitted dress or behind a protruding and muscular chest. Only in reality it is nothing more than stuffing dirty things in the closet so that guests do not see the clutter.
It works great, but only for a time. Why? Because feelings are fleeting. They evolve, change, become commonplace, and meanwhile the problems that are not solved are eternal. DilMil You can’t pretend forever. In the end, the door that holds all the dirt releases.
When you’re with someone, nothing is “just your problem”
Ok, but so what? After all, this is your business and your problems, right?
You may have external problems (poor job, complicated relationships, problems) or internal problems (lack of self-esteem, constant premonition of a catastrophe, lack of communication skills). But until you patch them up, you’re like a Ferrari with a punctured fuel tank.
Do you know this saying that your life is the result of the lives of those closest to you? We operate on the principle of communicating vessels. It is impossible to isolate what concerns you as a couple and what only concerns you.
If someone is not emotionally free and is still in contact with his ex, is it up to him?
If your contacts with your alcoholic father are devastating, but you are unable to repair them, distance yourself from them, or let them go, do they not affect the other person?
If you don’t feel excitement from life on a daily basis, will he feel it with you?
If you are in a bad financial condition, will you live pleasantly, interestingly and on partnership terms?
Does the feeling that you are standing still and the person you are developing with make you fear that you will meet someone better? And how will this affect your behavior?
Each of these elements will create tensions, undermine your mood, stick small, painful pins. Not a big deal, but stick it on someone every day for months and soon it will start to look like one big walking wound. The same will happen with your relationship.
Love is for better and for worse, but not for bad or worse
There is only one relationship model that works well in the long term. Alex Barszczewski presents it using a comparison to towing and safety ropes.
Imagine your (not necessarily romantic) relationships with others as ropes. These invisible ropes are stretched between you and your primary school bench buddy. Between you and your parents. Between your coworkers. The difference is that they can be towing ropes or safety ropes.
With tow ropes, you are pulling someone behind you. You support someone regularly. You solve his problems. You listen and pat on the shoulder not only getting nothing in return, but even losing, because dragging someone behind you, you lose a lot of your freedom, speed and possibilities.
The second model is to be connected by safety lines. Here, too, you sometimes have to pull someone up. The key word here is “sometimes”, because safety lines work in extreme cases, and when stretched continuously, they eventually break.
Therefore, two elements become key: 1) not to overuse these ropes and 2) to be strong enough to be able to belay the other side if necessary. After all , if you want any support, it is better to lean against the wall – remember?
We bond with people like us
Think for a moment about the characteristics of the person with whom you are most likely to associate with, regardless of appearance. I cannot be sure what features you will mention. I do know what sentences will not be on this list.
It’s probably not your dream to meet someone emotionally welded to your ex, helpless, notoriously depressed, and blowing up the daily drama.
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On the contrary, we usually want to surround ourselves with people who are positive, inspiring and who we can be proud of.
And it just so happens that such people are extremely selective. They are looking for someone at their level (yes, I am aware of how bad this sentence is) . If someone is at the gym five times a week, he wants to have a training girl. If education is important to someone, it is not related to someone who cannot speak Polish properly. If you visit five countries a year, you won’t be with someone who doesn’t have a job that allows you to travel together.